FYI

They don’t prepare you for life in the field. They give you the theory, the classic tales, then slap you with a pass and send you out on your own, sitting in front of thirty pairs of eyes and thirty fidgeting bottoms that you would love to Velcro still. They say nothing can prepare you for your first class, and it’s probably true. It’s an individual journey, a teacher’s rite of passage.

But if it was possible, if a personalised list of facts had been available for us to peruse, I know what mine would have said.

You will:

·         Clear up sick that looks and smells like feta cheese.

·         Have a child trick you into believing that he speaks no English until 3 weeks later when you catch him discussing his preference of ladybird colour while sharing a book with a friend.

·         Rugby tackle a child who moons the waiting parents at home time through the windowed door because she saw something shiny on the floor and couldn’t wait until she had been properly changed after having wet herself to pick it up.

·         Have a child stand in front of you with wide innocent eyes claiming that he was nowhere near any scissors while you count the number of severed curly blonde locks that cover his jumper.

·         Have to conceal your horror when a child shouts for your assistance in the toilet and then proceeds to bend over with an order to wipe his bottom.

·         Endure the crying sobs emanating from beneath your desk from a child who wanted a blue plate instead of orange.

·         Meet a child who is petrified of rain.

·         Have to stifle an overpowering need to giggle when a child farts on the carpet during story time, sending out a rumble that is reminiscent of thunder.

·         Explain to a puzzled child, while dialling 999, why inserting a lego brick up ones nose is not advisable.

·         Feel an overwhelming sense of pride when a struggling child writes his name for the first time.

·         Have a fridge covered in multi-coloured pictures that make you smile each time you open it.

·         Well-up every time a child tells you they love you.

·         Smile your biggest smile when the time comes for the class photo.  

·         Cry when it’s time to say goodbye and let them continue into the next year without you.

·         Know that it’s worth it in the end.